Friday, April 18, 2014

peterbd Strikes Again

peterbd is perhaps the internet's greatest treasure. Obviously, I'm biased. He says nice things about me and also regularly produces awesome things via places like NAP and so forth. He also emails when you least suspect it with something too hilarious to be kept to yourself. That is why (on top of the amusing flattery) I have decided to post his latest email to me here, more than anything congratulating me on my recent engagement to the beautiful Ashley Collier. (I'm getting all married up, fyi.) Also, I swear I'm not peterbd. peterbd is a far, far better person than me.

this is matt rowan

matt rowan is getting married and this is a bigger deal than anything that has ever happened on the face of the earth.

you see, matt rowan is not only one of the most talented men alive, he also just so happens to be the hulk. matt rowan is the hulk which means the hulk is getting married so you better be fucking excited about it. the only person, up until now, who knew matt rowan was the hulk was matter rowan and his soon to be hulk-wife. not even his pets, ludo and mia, knew matt rowan was the hulk. not russ woods. not tim jones yelvington. not even mason fucking johnson. the fact that you know that matt rowan is indeed the hulk should have you going on immediately and ordering him and she-hulk an expensive wedding gift. 

matt rowan is not only the hulk but he is also the third greatest writer alive. the reason he is the third greatest writer alive is because he is too humble to anoint himself as the greatest writer alive. he is a very humble writer who just so happens to be the hulk. matt rowan's daily schedule goes like this: he wakes up, feeds and walks his animals, showers, kisses his fiance on the cheek, eats breakfast, teaches his students what it means to be a badass writer, eats lunch, teaches his students what it means to be an even more badass writer, takes the train home, eats dinner with his beautiful fiance, then writes some of the best fucking prose that's ever been written. he does this while gently rubbing mia's neck. 

so yea, it's time to get excited. no man (besides one matt rowan) deserves to be getting married. love like this only comes once in a lifetime and matt is seizing his opportunity. btw, matt rowan is also the strongest man in the world. this shouldn't be confused with him being the hulk as matt has super strength even before he transforms into the hulk. many men in chicago have tried to arm wrestle the almighty super strong matt rowan. they've failed miserably. they went crying home to their wives and girlfriends about how this humble man shattered their professional arm wrestling dreams. they trained for years and years only to have their dreams dashed by a man who beat them easily at the game that they love. but even they can't hate matt rowan because after he beats them, he says 'keep your head up buddy. you'll have other chances to win.' then he flashes his endearing smile at them and their depressing lives get a little more bearable. of course there's no chance that they'll ever beat him at anything strength related because compared to him they're weaklings but matt doesn't tell them this. he is humble after all. his name is matt rowan. not only super strong physically but teflon strong mentally. some of the smartest people in the world have tried analyzing some of his prose only to quit halfway because they can't understand how something can be so entertaining yet so complex. matt does not know how smart he is at all. smart people never do. that's what you must understand about him. he's smarter than bill gates and einstein combined whilst also being physically stronger than them. wow. what an achievement. 

this future wedding is kinda like a big deal. will you be invited? will you see matt in his tux? maybe you need to know a little more about him before such questions are asked. besides being smarter than the average genius, being a gentle giant, and looking dashing in a pair of spectacles, matt rowan is the mayor of chicago. rahm emmanuel thinks that he is the mayor of chicago only because barack obama convinced him he was the mayor of chicago. he did this because rahm has a bad temper. matt rowan is not only an honest and well tempered mayor, he is a good looking mayor which is something you don't get with mayors in 2014. being a decent person and being physical attractive is damn near impossible but guess what?, mayor matt hulk rowan accomplishes this effortlessly. 

hey matt, you're tying the knot and it's going to be incredible. you have one of the best blogs in the northern hemisphere (bob einstein's literary equations). you wrote one of the wittiest, most entertaining pieces of prose that exist on the internet ( your jaw line is stronger than george clooney's. your swag outshines jonathan franzen's and hemingway's. you gave the middle finger to frigg magazine. you deserve all the success. you deserve all the moneys. you deserve a happy marriage. you deserve anything because you are matt rowan and no one can fuck with you.

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